Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
