I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
