why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize