You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
