I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
