Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
