Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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