We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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