you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You were trust falling into bushes
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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