Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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