god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
