I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
