I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
