they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
