I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
