I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
