Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
