I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
