mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
