I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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