he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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