first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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