i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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