Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
