We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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