trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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