I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
