real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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