It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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