Tell her she can't have a vagina
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
