you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
