bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
