can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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