how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Text me some of your sweat
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
