He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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