apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
