My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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