I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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