We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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