My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
