i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
