fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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