I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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