He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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