it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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