Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
