Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
