Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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