oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
