his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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