I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
