I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
