I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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