No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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