the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
