she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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