My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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