He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
