I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
