I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
